As I Sit Here

I'm still trying to figure out why those words popped out of my mouth. I don't think I meant them, and if it's not too late, I want to take them back. It's so typical of me, to have feelings for someone and when it comes down to it...I can't really tell them how i feel.

Here's the problem:
Before when I was in relationships, I wasn't in them necessairly for the connection, but more just to be in one. I was vulnerable when I was single and when I was with someone. So I didn't see the point of actually caring. And then....wham. I meet someone that I genuinely care about and I don't know what to do.

The truth is, I got scared. I still am scared. You aren't somebody that I want to lose. So that's why I put up the walls. I have no problem being perfectly honest and upfront about most things....but some things you just have to work at. It's not that I'm trying to be indecisive, believe me it's the last thing that I want to be. I'm afraid that if I let you go now or push you away one more time that you'll give up for good, and move on. And quite honesty I don't know if I'm ready for that.

But here's what I do know. I want you. And despite everything I've said, I want you right now. I'm not going to back out this time, I mean it. I'm afraid because this is something completely out of my hands, but if I can come to terms with that, it'll get better. And I won't be so scared anymore.

And I'm sorry that this isn't in person. And that it's a day later then it should be. But last night and all day today...I just couldn't stop thinking about what I said. And how horrible I felt, and still feel for it. And if you don't forgive me now then I understand....

but I want you to.