As I Sit Here

I'm still trying to figure out why those words popped out of my mouth. I don't think I meant them, and if it's not too late, I want to take them back. It's so typical of me, to have feelings for someone and when it comes down to it...I can't really tell them how i feel.

Here's the problem:
Before when I was in relationships, I wasn't in them necessairly for the connection, but more just to be in one. I was vulnerable when I was single and when I was with someone. So I didn't see the point of actually caring. And then....wham. I meet someone that I genuinely care about and I don't know what to do.

The truth is, I got scared. I still am scared. You aren't somebody that I want to lose. So that's why I put up the walls. I have no problem being perfectly honest and upfront about most things....but some things you just have to work at. It's not that I'm trying to be indecisive, believe me it's the last thing that I want to be. I'm afraid that if I let you go now or push you away one more time that you'll give up for good, and move on. And quite honesty I don't know if I'm ready for that.

But here's what I do know. I want you. And despite everything I've said, I want you right now. I'm not going to back out this time, I mean it. I'm afraid because this is something completely out of my hands, but if I can come to terms with that, it'll get better. And I won't be so scared anymore.

And I'm sorry that this isn't in person. And that it's a day later then it should be. But last night and all day today...I just couldn't stop thinking about what I said. And how horrible I felt, and still feel for it. And if you don't forgive me now then I understand....

but I want you to.

Remember Remember

the 5th of November.

Or. Don't.

I can't wait until

This week is over.

Trick-or-treat:

Photographs and Memories [week 9 of 15]

We make weird faces and color coordinate!

Joshy, Ben Frankin, & Curt.

Favorite picture of Meg & I...besides fish eye.

Hi-way robbery!

Our little friend.

Tigerwind is fearless. And wearing my jacket.

Best friends forever. We mean it.

Sunsets. My favorite.

A quite accutrate drawing of my face.

Hero <3

This was one of the best nights. Instructions on when it is proper to use urinals, how to stand at one correctly, examining the showers, watching boys go to the bathroom in the girls room, planning the mary green movie, trip to t. hill. Just awesome.

I call at 7:03

and on your machine I slur a plea for you to come home.

But, I know it's too late

And I should have given you a reason to stay.

I had a lot more that I wanted to say.

But. My brain is exhausted right now. And Death Cab lyrics were all that I could get to come out.

T-TH

are always the longest days of the week.

Granted, it's when I have labs and Spanish, but they always seem to drag by.

Today, in particular. I had a bio lab that easily could have been done in a half an hour, instead it took two. And after walking back in the rain to my dorm, I was so tired that I slept from 10:50-12:15. But even that short nap felt like I had slept most of the day away. So I took a shower and did some work and ate my lunch. Then, Spanish. The dreaded class of the day. It used to go by so fast and now it's just like 'tick.........tock.' I swear I always almost fall asleep. It doesn't help that the classroom is windowless and in the basement of the one building.

And for some reason...T-TH seemed to be plagued with rain. Like Mother Nature knows that I have to walk from one corner of campus to the complete opposite. And most times it's bright and sunny when I leave in the morning, yet an hour or two later it's pouring. Just....stupid.

But alas, soon I'll have Spanish 3 days a week for 50 minutes. And I will no longer have labs that make my bum numb from sitting for so long. So yay. Because I'm almost done.

If I Only Would Have Known

That it was you in the car accident last Saturday night...

I found out tonight at work. And I almost cried.

They said you fell asleep behind the wheel and hit a guy head on. They told me that you were out cold, and you have internal bleeding, and a broken collar bone.

And then I start to think....that I should have stopped. Because I thought it was you, but I didn't know. How the hell was I supposed to know.

But you're alright. And you're getting better. And that's all the matters.

<3